Dating Disaster: Revenge

Yesterday was a very trying day. I had to swallow my pride and hide my true emotions while every fiber of my being was screaming “fuck this shit". I’m not going to give the person who made me feel like this the dignity of having their own blog entry or even a name because, let’s face it, they don’t matter. Not to me or to the world. When people try to get ahead in life by bringing others down, they are nothing more than immature, insignificant people who don’t deserve a second thought.

It took me a few years to learn this, and I haven't always been a pro at hiding my emotions, I even managed to fall out of practice for a few years while living in San Francisco; cities do that to people. Now I'm back to my oh-so-normal self and ready to take on the world.

When I was a kid, my sister taught me how to hide what I was truly feeling. She told me that bullies were looking to make me cry and it would upset them if I kept a smile on my face and acted as though they didn't bother me. Surprisingly, it worked like a charm. If someone bullied me, instead of crying I smiled at them and shrugged it off. The tears came the second I got home and was in the privacy of my room or in the safety of my parent’s arms.

As I grew up I learned to swallow the tears completely, something I learned with my first high school "heartbreak". I was dating a boy named Nat; I was a virgin, he was not. We kissed and cuddled, but I was far from ready to have sex, especially with someone who was as experienced as he was. Looking back, he was disgusting and probably had an STD. We were 16 and he had already slept with at least 8 girls.

One night when we were hanging out with a few friends my best friend Monica proudly announced that she was not a virgin and loved having sex. The next day Nat took me for a walk and confessed that he had a “thing” for Monica and said, “You understand, right? I mean, you’ll hook us up, right?” Yeah, I understood, he preferred the chick who put out-IE, the easier option, not the virgin who was too smart to sleep with a creep like him. My entire body began to tingle, then it got numb as my face began to feel like it was on fire; but I kept a smile on my face and told him I’d see what I could do. When I got home I cried into my pillow for a while, composed myself and called Monica to vent about what a jerk he was. I mean, did he honestly think she’d date him after the way he treated her best friend? She told me that she agreed 100%, her was an asshole and that I could do 1000x better. I'll admit, I felt ions better. The next day at school Monica announced that her and Nat were dating. Again, that stinging sensation coupled with numbness and heat came back. This time there were no tears, only anger. I felt like someone had slapped me across the face and I wanted to return the favor, luckily I was not much of a fighter. I guess she couldn't do any better.

The years following that incident did not include a whole lot of heartbreak or stings from idiots like Nat, but then again I made it a point to initiate the break up’s to save myself the pain that I have experienced with him. When I moved to Santa Barbara I met some very interesting guys. Some turned out to be jerks, others were genuinely awesome people. Most gave me some fantastic dating stories and this is where this particular story turns into a dating disaster.

I met Matt my sophomore year of college. I was living in the big house on Del Playa with 11 other people and having the time of my life. One of my friends at the time was heavy into drugs and drinking. One night, while she was over at my house, she invited her pot guy to come over and hang out with us. He was hot. He had blonde dreads, bright blue eyes and the perfect surfer’s body. We instantly started flirting and my friend did not seem pleased. She warned me that he was from a different world and that we would never be a good match. He was a total hippie stoner; I was an alcoholic. Aren't those things one in the same?

We exchanged numbers and began hanging out, a lot. My friends would come with me to his house and watch him and his roommates play random music for hours (I swear it was way more exciting than it sounds). His friends would come to my house and party with us until the wee hours of the morning. I thought we really clicked and assumed he did too when he finally kissed me. After the kiss he told me he doesn't like to do anything with a girl unless he is in a committed relationship with them and thought it would be best to call it a night. The next night we were having a party at my house. He showed up with a few friends and quickly found me in the crowd asking me to take a walk with him down on the beach. My friends and roommates gave me thumb-up signs behind his back and beamed at us as we walked down to the beach, I was certain he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend. We walked along the water, a good 20 minutes from my house, in deep conversation about life and our morals, blah-blah-blah. When we reached the end of the beach he turned to me and said something I’ll never forget, “Lauren, I think you are a fantastic girl and I really enjoy spending time with you, I just don’t think you’re girlfriend material.”

That stinging feeling followed by the numb body and hot face immediately resurfaced, I still had those painful emotions even after all those years. I wanted to run away or cry or yell at him to fuck off; instead I smiled, thanked him for being honest with me and suggested we return to the party. When we got home he asked if he should leave, I told him “absolutely not” and proceeded to spend the night conveniently in the opposite room from him. Eventually he left and I told my very curious friends and roommates what had happened. Luckily, they were an awesome support team.

A month later I ran into Matt while at the local liquor store. He approached me and asked for a beer suggestion. I told him that Sam Adams Seasonal was my favorite and walked out of the store with the little dignity I had left around him. I got a text from him an hour later asking what I was up to, stating something about missing my company and offering to bring beer if I’d let him come over and hang out. I agreed to this, I was an alcoholic after all and free beer sounded great. :)

My roommates told me I was crazy and begged me to reconsider, asking if I’d forgotten how he had treated me a month earlier. I assured them I was fine with how things ended and that I did not want to have enemy; they looked at me like I’d lost my mind. He brought over a case of Sam Adams Seasonal Mix along with one of his friends. My roommates stayed for most of the night and made it clear they did not like him being there. Eventually they went to bed and his friend left. He ended up spending the night, but I refused to anything more than kissing reminding him of his “no sex while not in a relationship” rule. We began hanging out more and more, he even introduced me to his siblings and sister-in-law. We were practically a couple, having sleep overs and just calling each other to talk. Our sleepovers even became gradually less PG as the weeks passed, I could feel where this was leading fast.

After a few weeks of this he came over to my house wanting to talk. He said something along the lines of, “Lauren, you’re amazing and I need you to be my girlfriend. I need to know that you’re all mine and that I won’t have to ever share you again. I just can't live without you.” OK, I might have exaggerated a tiny bit, but you get the idea. I stayed silent for a minute, thinking. Finally, I looked him in the eyes and told him, “Wow Matt, that’s really sweet, but to be honest...I’m just not sure you’re boyfriend material.”

I knew the look that appeared on his face all too well, clearly he did not have a kick ass sister to teach him how to hide his emotions. First the stingy feeling hit him, then the numb, finally the hot face. He muttered “touché” then something about letting him know if I ever reconsider, then left me to brag to my roommates about how awesome I was hurting him the way he'd hurt me. OK, maybe I was a little harder on him than I could have been, but honestly, I had developed a real allergy to his dreads and was planning on ending things anyway. This just gave me the perfect way to seek revenge in the process.

I ran into him about a year later, we hugged and acted like long lost friends. I think we both realized that we had treated each-other like crap, although I would like to state for the record: He started it.